Dearest younger me,
Silence has never been something that has come easy to you. You have always been a very outgoing and excitable kid, a trait that will slow down as you get older, as the world quiets your excitement. What I don't think you have quite gathered is why you feel this need to fill silence at every opportunity. Why you feel a deep discomfort when the room is at peace, or when a conversation slows. Perhaps you don't think enough before you speak, a truth you likely already know. However, silences tend to be a place of uncertainty for you. A void in comfort and validation that things are okay.
Despite how difficult this is for you, I think you're also missing an important piece of why this is. I think you've known that something was different about you, missing from your many many trips to the doctor. There is information and supports you are missing. A diagnosis that is incomplete. Not only are you uncomfortable in silence due to its implications, but due to the lack of information you receive when there isn't noise. How do you know how your friends feel when they aren't telling you? How mom feels when the constant cacophony at home is missing? The silences you have historically experienced have not been comfortable or safe, and it is much easier to fill it than to figure out what it means.
Thankfully, your dislike for silences has provided you with an important skill: willingness to speak your mind. While this may feel like an unfortunate and embarrassing interruption at times, it is also a gift. You have a knack for identifying wrongs, understanding what they mean, and describing their impact. The truth is, I think that not only is this important to you, but it will prove to be your passion and path through higher education. You will learn a lot about serving your community, the importance of breaking silence, focusing on methods to improve the lives of those around you, and how that often starts with conversation. There are so many things you will read very soon that will change the way you look at the world in a fundamental way. One of my favorites is from an author you have yet to hear about, Audre Lorde: "I have come to believe over and over again that what is most important to me must be spoken, made verbal and shared, even at the risk of having it bruised or misunderstood. That the speaking profits me, beyond any other effect."
I think you have already realized the personal benefits you experience from sharing your thoughts, but there is still more to come. A lesson you will have to learn very soon is that not every moment requires your input, not every debate needs your opinion, and not every conversation needs your thoughts; but, there is still plenty of value to be had in sharing our experiences with the world, regardless of who you are. Your genuine desire to do the right thing, understand others, and make the world better for everyone is a gift, one that will fuel your future, perhaps in ways you may not understand yet. At the same time, this desire doesn't absolve you of your bias or ignorance, it needs to be a tool for expanding your knowledge. A motivation to seek the truth.
Silence is a thing that has been thrust upon you in many aspects of your life. That is an irrevocable truth. Your classmates silence your passions via mockery, the adults in your life silence your opinions, your parents silence your pain, but I would say that has more to say about them than you. However, I think you have often been silent in times where you should have spoken up, or spoken when others needed silence from you. But, you're missing two key pieces.
First, you are silent when it comes to what you need. You are constantly struggling with severe anxiety and depression, which you mask to make others more comfortable. You stifle your tears to avoid embarrassment and appearing weak. You don't speak up when others make jokes at your expense. You don't ask for help when you need it. You don't tell people who will listen what you need. It doesn't have to be this way. As Audre Lorde put it, "Your silence will not protect you." You may think that this quietness keeps you from rocking the boat in your friend group or from adults making things harder for you, and while that may be partially true, you are also sacrificing your needs to benefit others. Lorde asks some important questions I think you should ask yourself: "What are the words you do not yet have? What do you need to say? What are the tyrannies you swallow day by day and attempt to make your own, until you will sicken and die of them, still in silence?" How many tyrannies will you take until you decide it's enough?
Second, you need practice listening--intentionally practicing silence for the benefit of others. Too often you are quick to speak when you don't know the answer, or over those who deserve being listened to. Rather than encouraging their voice and listening, you insert your experiences in places where it feels safe and not where they actually matter, overriding the safe space you felt for others. Lorde, of course, has some thoughts I'd like to share with you on this as well, "Where the words of women are crying to be heard, we must each of us recognize our responsibility to seek those words out, to read them and share them and examine them in their pertinence to our lives." While I believe that speaking for those who are silenced is important, learning to understand when it is better to share and spread versus speak for others is a crucial line between activism and saviorism that you will need to continue working on.
This stuff is hard, and that's okay. Empathy is not always an easy task, it requires effort and persistence. Silence is the easy way out of discomfort after all, but at what cost?
Love,
(Older) Bianca